From The River To The Tricycle


Leaked internal documents reveal the Tricycle Theatre’s latest salvo in its war on terror: a controversial admissions policy heralded by the executive board as ‘vital’ in helping de-escalate the ongoing crisis in Gaza.

According to the secret memo, the upcoming Autumn season of plays at the northwest London venue will see a radical shake-up in the ticketing department, with seats purchased by Jewish patrons allocated to a specially-constructed section of the theatre in order to ameliorate tension boiling over from the internecine war a mere two thousand miles from Kilburn High Road.

In order to effect the changes in sufficient time, draughtsmen have been working round the clock on a new set of ‘sensitive yet stern’ signs for the Tricycle’s foyer, directing Jewish customers to the left of the auditorium, close to the shower block, and guiding all other audience members towards the newly-christened ‘Lebensraum’ gallery to the right hand side of the building.

While the board appears to unanimously endorse the segregation policy, according to the text of the group email seen by‘s roving reporter the Hoth, there appears to be a significant amount of discord over a move to mark Jewish tickets with a gaudy, yellow-starred logo just below the theatre’s embossed signature tricycle silhouette.

However, the memo appeals to all board members to reach a ‘final solution’ on the outstanding issues as swiftly as possible, in order to head off accusations of internal division.  ‘We must allow the theatre to present a united front’, it reads, when faced with the ‘inevitable backlash’ from ‘rootless cosmopolitans’ deemed the most heinous of threats to the stability of the august institution wedged between Kilburn Kebab Krew and the flagship store of the 99p-Or-It’s-Free retail empire.

The document also reveals a plethora of views from unnamed theatre executives in response to their recent decision to ban the UK Jewish Film Festival due to take place in August. While there appears little doubt that the majority of the board continue to endorse the decision, dissenting voices question the legitimacy of the theatre’s move, especially given its previous silence over conflicts in which it has found itself entangled in similarly spurious fashion.

‘While I am still, of course, delighted to use my As-A-Jew status to provide cover for vicious discrimination most thought extinct since the 40s, I am alarmed as to how our previous blind-eye-turning might be construed in the Jewish-run media’, says one unnamed director. ‘The fact that we hosted both the Shining Path Festival of Mime and the ISIS Punch and Jihadi’s Children’s Troupe could seriously undermine our latest stance’, he continues.

Another expresses concern over corporate sponsorship which could be construed as showing overtly political bias on the part of the theatre. ‘Running a full page advert in the most recent programme with the tagline ‘To B, Or Not To Zyklon B’, regardless of the funds raised, was always going to leave us heavily exposed, and coupled with the subsequent ‘Behind Every Tree, Behind Every Stone’ billboard campaign, we should not be surprised if our latest actions attract opprobrium from all but our staunchest Shia supporters’.

Despite repeated approaches for a statement, the Tricycle’s artistic director was unavailable for comment, with her PA explaining her absence due to her last-minute scrambling aboard a flotilla dedicated to breaking the siege on Maida Vale and Regents Park. ‘They plan to sail down St Johns Wood High Street, standing up to the tyranny of Harry Morgan’s and Café Josephine’, she stated, ‘before distributing Cartier baguettes and strapless Chanel sandals to the destitute residents of Elgin Avenue and Prince Albert Road’. In this way, the ‘Zionazi stranglehold in northwest London will be smashed once and for all, allowing freedom for all Saudi petro-princelets across the region, and giving the Tricycle’s board its rightful recognition as the premier faded-playhouse-stewards-cum-wannabe-warlords that they so richly deserve’, she added.

Plans discussed in the leaked memo to append a new building to the theatre, provisionally named the ‘Aluak Bar’, could not be confirmed at the time of going to press.

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